Saturday, January 30, 2016

Reflecting on pregnancy

This pregnancy holding our third has gone quickly. Unexpected in the timing with all that was going on last year but the joy and beauty of knowing I am holding another within is something we have cherished and I have immense gratitude for. It's daunting too. That soon we will be outnumbered by little ones. I wonder how it will all unfold. 
The first trimester came and went with moving, packing and domestic routine. As the weeks went by I was met with wintery days and life continued its steady strum.  I tried to take some time to think about who I am and what's important amongst all the noise and hold that knowledge in my daily walk. But I found the rush and constancy often invaded the quiet spaces, limiting time for reflection. I also felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and would stop and rest when I had the chance often delaying my own needs and creativity. 

At 24 weeks pregnant time seemed to stop as I flew to bali for my first solo holiday since becoming a mother six years ago. I was still nauseous, throwing up and struggling with fatigue but Bali was a spiritual sojourn of sorts and a time to finally stop. To be still and breathe in new beginnings. To hold the life within and acknowledge that I was chosen to mother another. 

Days began as the sun rose and I took rest after years of nurturing others. I walked cobbled stone paths aged by many feet, replenished my soul with sunshine and long lunches, walked on sandy beaches, and bore witness to beautiful surroundings that made my soul sing. I battled insecurities with grace and acceptance realising there is great beauty in vulnerability and imperfection.  I gave an offering to the ocean to God for holding me when life became congested by responsibility, worry and not enough stillness. I found time to shed tears. I gathered shells to bring home to remind me to give back to myself and immersed myself in holding an inner space for quietness and the breath. 
It's helped a lot. I feel like I have regained a lost piece but I still struggle to carve out me time or allow it. I have much to still learn. 

Now in my third trimester the magic I seek in my days is found mostly in the little things. Nothing is permanent that's what makes things so special, so I try to hold onto the little snippets of joy, and grace-filled moments. Warming cups of chai held in a teacup gathered up in Bali. Stretching tired and sore limbs. The giggles shared as children, the joy in play, the chaotic and the unscheduled moments of learning, discovery and pure togetherness that make the negative seem unimportant and fade from the present. We emerge from the ocean of the everyday to gather those small treasures and hold them close. 
Over the summer holidays l've immersed myself in slow days when possible, spent time in nature, stopped to talk and acknowledge the babies kicks and movements. 

With openness I have sought understanding and support from my tribe when days have been hard and I'm hindered by nausea and discomfort. 
I realise that I have little control over the changes occurring within and outside of myself and yet I embrace what I can. Being pregnant at 38, I'm more open to realising my limitations and admitting vulnerability than I did at 31. With age comes wisdom, transparency and limitless grace. 
The mystery of having three children to nurture, walk with and mold captivates me, frightens me at times and excites me.

I realise that I need to embrace my vulnerability and limitations if I'm going to be authentic in this journey. So starts the journey of allowing fear to rise up and to speak truth to it and walk with an adventurous heart rather than a fearful one. It's going to be an interesting year in the unfurling of the day to day and the retelling of our story and my discoveries here. Little steps....
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