Saturday, January 30, 2016

Reflecting on pregnancy

This pregnancy holding our third has gone quickly. Unexpected in the timing with all that was going on last year but the joy and beauty of knowing I am holding another within is something we have cherished and I have immense gratitude for. It's daunting too. That soon we will be outnumbered by little ones. I wonder how it will all unfold. 
The first trimester came and went with moving, packing and domestic routine. As the weeks went by I was met with wintery days and life continued its steady strum.  I tried to take some time to think about who I am and what's important amongst all the noise and hold that knowledge in my daily walk. But I found the rush and constancy often invaded the quiet spaces, limiting time for reflection. I also felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and would stop and rest when I had the chance often delaying my own needs and creativity. 

At 24 weeks pregnant time seemed to stop as I flew to bali for my first solo holiday since becoming a mother six years ago. I was still nauseous, throwing up and struggling with fatigue but Bali was a spiritual sojourn of sorts and a time to finally stop. To be still and breathe in new beginnings. To hold the life within and acknowledge that I was chosen to mother another. 

Days began as the sun rose and I took rest after years of nurturing others. I walked cobbled stone paths aged by many feet, replenished my soul with sunshine and long lunches, walked on sandy beaches, and bore witness to beautiful surroundings that made my soul sing. I battled insecurities with grace and acceptance realising there is great beauty in vulnerability and imperfection.  I gave an offering to the ocean to God for holding me when life became congested by responsibility, worry and not enough stillness. I found time to shed tears. I gathered shells to bring home to remind me to give back to myself and immersed myself in holding an inner space for quietness and the breath. 
It's helped a lot. I feel like I have regained a lost piece but I still struggle to carve out me time or allow it. I have much to still learn. 

Now in my third trimester the magic I seek in my days is found mostly in the little things. Nothing is permanent that's what makes things so special, so I try to hold onto the little snippets of joy, and grace-filled moments. Warming cups of chai held in a teacup gathered up in Bali. Stretching tired and sore limbs. The giggles shared as children, the joy in play, the chaotic and the unscheduled moments of learning, discovery and pure togetherness that make the negative seem unimportant and fade from the present. We emerge from the ocean of the everyday to gather those small treasures and hold them close. 
Over the summer holidays l've immersed myself in slow days when possible, spent time in nature, stopped to talk and acknowledge the babies kicks and movements. 

With openness I have sought understanding and support from my tribe when days have been hard and I'm hindered by nausea and discomfort. 
I realise that I have little control over the changes occurring within and outside of myself and yet I embrace what I can. Being pregnant at 38, I'm more open to realising my limitations and admitting vulnerability than I did at 31. With age comes wisdom, transparency and limitless grace. 
The mystery of having three children to nurture, walk with and mold captivates me, frightens me at times and excites me.

I realise that I need to embrace my vulnerability and limitations if I'm going to be authentic in this journey. So starts the journey of allowing fear to rise up and to speak truth to it and walk with an adventurous heart rather than a fearful one. It's going to be an interesting year in the unfurling of the day to day and the retelling of our story and my discoveries here. Little steps....

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

I stopped writing for a while...

I missed the solace of giving voice and witness to our story here but I needed to step back for a time. In silence I found space to breathe over the past 8 months.
I felt stretched and wrung out with the responsibility, witness, and nurture of my tribe and my mother. I felt the weight of grief again of losing my father ten years before. Alongside the transformation that was taking place within and outside of myself,  I found myself stepping into the busyness and responsibility of family life and finding little space left for me. 
Early last year we began moving my mother out of my childhood home, going through a lifetime of memories and belongings and providing care as she moved to a retirement village. Half way through that arduous journey so full of meaning and the past, I discovered I was holding another baby within. 
These new transitions whilst much needed and wanted shook the daily rhythm of our lives for many months. Pages of my ancestral, familial life's story torn and worn with age, threads within the narrative story frayed, stretched and mended, and past demons cast aside while feeling the constant nausea of pregnancy that lingers and impinges on ones soulful reserves.
I wrestled with such mountains of responsibility and obstacles daily with the desire to press in, navigate and move forward to something better. There were moments where I just didn't have the words to tell people what was going on so I just pressed on.
I emerged aged, stronger, creatively inspired and standing in the clear, cleansing ocean waters in spiritual pilgrimage in bali alone at the end of it all. A mere ten weeks ago. 
Those days alone in Bali were treasured, necessary and healing in and of itself. 
It's been such a winding tale of transition for much of last year. With such immense richness to it, where gratitude and exhaustion coexist. 
Threads of acceptance, grace, truth and wisdom have flowed softly within the confines of my heart and spirit when I thought that there was no more room for growth or recovery. Only to be reborn to sit with our story once more. To capture its rich nectar and share it communally. To honour 
the beauty of what has gone before me, the path fresh ahead of me and the simplicity and vibrancy of our daily walk. There are seasons where silence is necessary but I've missed this space. I return with the new year, now 31 weeks pregnant to find sanctuary here.
To make space to find my voice again. To emerge, unfold the tightly held threads and embrace it all with freedom, a voice and without fear. So here once again, our story is told.......

I'll share Stills from the last few months,  the 52 project and Reflections on Intentional learning and living a simple life. Slowly as the words flow and I feel the call to tell our story. 

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