Today l sat in bed surrounded by all that is home.
Tangled bed sheets, my little ones noise downstairs, the hum of the coffee machine, birdsong out the window, the tap, tap, tap of rain on the roof and thought of all that has been. Deep in thought while sipping my morning coffee. Just how precious and fleeting life can be. Mindful to take nothing for grated and to love no matter what. Sonia should have been on a plane coming home today, to start a new stage of her life here in Australia with her family but she’s gone. Last night l thought of her and this morning l awoke with her on my mind, knowing many would feel their grief keenly today.
There was a tapestry of motherhood and friendship that would have continued to be created over the next 40 years and now l am left to weave something profound without her. I feel her absence so strongly today. I acknowledge it with acceptance. I rejoice in my many friendships, in their sisterhood but I feel slightly unravelled and raw with emotion today over the loss of one of my dearest friends. There is such an immense sense of loss that weighs heavily over my heart. The dye is cast and there isn’t a thing l can do about it. The juxtaposition of what l hold deep within. That she is gone, I’m still grieving and yet she is still a part of me.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. I believe every experience is an opportunity for learning, for growth, for pilgrimage. A treasure trove of riches and lessons to be learnt. The sacred ground where brokenness and healing meet. I took a phone call early and listened to tears shed across that water and felt such immense understanding and love for another immersed in their grief. I couldn’t stop the pain and loss she felt, but l could understand and love. We both sat there sharing our collective grief over losing a friend that knew us so completely and yet l feel blessed and thankful at the same time. It’s OK that l feel it all today.
Sometimes we forget how far we have travelled and what we have while we are looking ahead to the next steps. So busy striving to achieve, get over obstacles and get ahead that so many of us miss the opportunities for love and gratitude to embrace us. As l get older l accept my imperfections and the imperfections of others and love with such immense gratitude. I first had to admit to my brokenness and embrace the whole of me. That moment where you have an epiphany of absolute truth and a feeling of immense healing and wholeness. Another reason why the process of grief is something that l am listening to for it’s wisdom and learning's. Time has helped me learn harsh lessons, to mend my brokenness and to walk in God’s grace anew. I wish that Sonia had learnt to stop and take stock before it was too late and l am honouring the importance of being present for both of us when l know that she no longer can. It’s good to stop and remember where we have been and what it took to get this far. To listen to the whisperings of our past and walk in the present with a full heart. I believe that in the gathering of community and in the sharing of our stories we give a voice to that which needs to be heard and in that sharing we receive the opportunity for deep healing.
Today I am holding onto the threads, I am grieving and yet thankful and it’s OK.
You can read more of the Reflections on grieving series here +
all the reflections series for the wellbeing series here.