Monday, September 15, 2014

Reflections on grieving and gratitude


  1. hold (someone) closely in one's arms, especially as a sign of affection.
  2. accept (a belief, theory, or change) willingly and enthusiastically.
  3. include or contain (something) as a constituent part.
  1. an act of holding someone closely in one's arms.
  2. an act of accepting something willingly or enthusiastically.

Over the past few days I have sat with such mixed emotions. I have felt God's love and sovereignty through much of this past week. There has been so much going on. Kinder runs, play dates, cuddles and shared laughter, mothering into the wee hours, a flooded bedroom from pounding hail, no heating, no money, loads of self doubt and a tide of loneliness and loss felt at the oddest moments that has threatened to swamp me.
It’s been a little more than a month since Sonia passed. I still cannot fathom that she is gone. The smallest things remind me that she’s not here and grief hits me like a wall. It all rushes forth, the murky depths of my emotions intertwined with everyday life. How fast flowing, continuous and relentless life can all be. I made a decision to embrace what l was feeling this week holding everything at once, achieving little and just work through it. It really seemed the only way to move forward. I learnt that beauty exists in the word- EMBRACE.

Life will always throw up challenges but it’s often a choice to let it darken your mood and lessen the light and joy in your soul. This past week l could have become incredibly depressed and allowed it to become the whole of my thoughts. Admittedly it took a couple of days to pull myself out of the trenches and although there were times of frustration and tears at the endless bills coming in {let’s face it l could have loved a watertight and warm home to live in, just saying}; I was able to embrace it all and see the good around me. It seems that holding gratitude comes more easily these days.
I sat and thought a lot about all that has happened these past months and those friends and family that are in my life and those that aren’t any longer.
The people whom impact your life come into your life and make you see the sun, where once you saw only clouds. They also aren’t afraid to challenge you and help you in the right direction. Sometimes it’s been hard in the past to walk from things that have happened and pick myself up and brush myself off. I can admit it. I know that learning the lesson of living a grateful life has taken time.

I’ve learnt that it’s the people that believe in me deeply; accepting my imperfectness, help me believe in myself. Help me to breathe deeply and love with all that l am. Even in my brokenness. Those people that love you just for being you and them, them and us, together. They are the once in a lifetime people; Sonia was one of those people. I'm grateful for those friendships in the past and present, for their acceptance and for my community.
I've been sitting with it all the past few days attempting to write about it. Honestly, self-reflection isn’t easy. So much has happened that it all seems too much sometimes.

There are new journeys, long friendships, so many shared stories and some new friendships being nurtured. I'm sitting here missing Sonia so much today. I'm watching my children play, watching Ferris Bueller’s day off wishing she was sitting on the couch with me, I’m finishing my morning coffee and reflecting on all that has past. There’s just so much, my heart and head are full with it.

I’m keeping the sacred lessons and shared memories, the story and the love and letting go of everything else. You could call it Spring-cleaning the soul. If l had one wish for you today it would be to take time to love deeply and appreciate all that surrounds you. I'm practicing this truth today.

You can read more of the Reflections on grieving series here + 
all the reflections series for the wellbeing series here.
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