Friday, August 8, 2014

Reflections on grieving




I spent time in the car travelling today thinking about all that we shared together and a friendship that really has spanned so many years and so much change for and in both of us. The silence brought with it the pain of losing you with such force that l was left shaken and with it the knowledge that things are forever changed. My prayer beads broke yesterday and l too feel broken, overwhelmed, grieved and numb all at the same time. I am forever changed by you dying. I still can't believe you are gone.
It just feels really unfair. IT IS UNFAIR. We should have had a lifetime more to spend together with our children. It's such a loss. I acknowledge the blessing of you in my life.  l was your friend, shared all the ups and downs, the ebb and flow of our lives, the countless glasses of wine, cups of tea and hours of talking and listening, we were spiritual sisters and then mothers to beautiful little people and shared how life changing it all was. In these final months I was able to be there for you and towards the end say goodbye and tell you l loved you and to thank you for being my friend. Most don’t get that gift.
For months you fought so hard for life Sonia. You endured so much and I know that you’re in a better place and that you are no longer in pain and yet I can’t talk to you anymore. It feels like it is all a dream and that none of this has happened and yet l know that it has. I couldn’t feel you close this morning, the candle had burned down and l tried to think of how to bring that feeling back and then l realised that death ends a life not a relationship.
Grief is what it is. If things could be different, they would be. I’m honouring what l feel. l want you here. But l also know that it was your time and l have to accept that, even feeling the tremendous loss of you going. I’m breathing. I’m letting the grief come and go. I’m moving forward. I’m holding gratitude in my heart for all that l have and all that we shared. I have hope, I am grieving, I have acceptance of all that is, I am present, I am meditating and I know that this is a journey in and of itself.

So today, l breathe in and breathe out, and let it all go. I let the tears come and l continue to breathe. I open my heart to it all and let my heart break with the sadness of you going and let it knit itself back together with the beautiful memories of all we shared. I feel such unconditional and everlasting love for God, you and all in my life. I am heartbroken but l am grateful.
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