Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Reflections on grieving| Finding peace

Grieving is like the ocean a deep body of water with wave upon wave, reaching the shore. Some days it is gentle and still and other times stormy and windswept. We can either chose to fight the current or accept nature’s course. I’ve decided being honest in my grief is the way to wholeness, accepting that some days will be better than others. Last night they had the memorial for Sonia over in the UK and I sat on my couch and cried with Ads after reminiscing on the wonderful friendship l had shared with her. The years at Bible College dreaming and visioning what our lives would become. The years of ministry, adventure, travel, learning, joyfulness and at times, debauchery. It was all shared, laughed over and we rejoiced in each other’s lives. Somehow it felt wrong to be enjoying a glass of wine in a quiet moment when her life has ended. I also know that she’d want to share that bottle with us, if she had any say in it. It’s important to hold onto the shared rituals and memories, the beauty of her spirit and how she always wanted to catch up and see how I was going. I was loved and l loved, for near 20 years and that is precious in any relationship.

This morning, as l sat with my coffee, I read as Tully played,
‘Become totally empty. Let your heart be at peace.
Amidst the rush of worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings. Things flourish, each by each, only to return to the source… to what is and what is to be.
To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfil one’s destiny. This way is everlasting and not endangered by physical death.’ *
I realise that by being grounded in God’s truth, letting the tide of grief move me, whilst embracing God's divine grace and love it somehow helps to let things go. God is my source and his love and grace is what sustains me. I hold gratitude and love in my days even in my grief because I know this life is passing and He endures and is everlasting. Last week I read these words and recalled them today believing that God has a plan in this and that given time it will reveal itself. ‘That all of my life everyday, that every season and every soul is a reflection of the resurrection. Where there is pain, He will resurrect joy. Where there is grief, He will resurrect love. Where there is blindness, He will resurrect vision. Where there is brokenness, He will resurrect healing. Where there death, He will resurrect life.’* So l will be still and know that in God all is possible and that it will be OK. It will be and so will I.

When l began a path to healing and wholeness and reflecting on the journey here, it meant being open with the process and the lessons learnt. Being authentic is all about developing the capacity to move into what is uncomfortable and directing ones focus towards the things we prefer not to look at. So l am facing grief head on, I stop and breathe, and in my pain l realise that l am learning, growing and letting go. Right now, I am allowing myself to have slow days, to acknowledge my grief and the resulting tiredness and let it all go.
This afternoon someone thought it helpful {or not} to point out to another close to me that my writing has been a little dark of late and l was left stunned. Why was it that this person felt it necessary to place limits on my expression of loss and pass judgement. Was it making them face what was uncomfortable l wonder? I make no apologies for reflecting about my life and being honest, this is what my blog is. I’m not twisting anyone’s arm to read this, but l am being transparent and should foster some compassion l think.
Ask yourself what you need to sit with and accept about your life and yourself. Face what is uncomfortable, trust me it’s important. Love your neighbour as you love yourself and if you can’t then ask yourself what is in you that you are not able to love and work on resolving it. Embrace love, love all, love, love, love and let go of those things that bind you and hold you back. Move forward, let go but most of all love.
It’s says that goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. For those that love with their heart and soul, there is no separation. I think in time there will be peace in me and l will hold Sonia close and that the season of grief will be replaced with rebirth and joy, it’s just not going to be today and that’s OK.

You can read the rest of the Reflections on grieving series here.

*(Wayne Dyer’s interpretation of the Tao “change your thoughts- Change your life” Verse 15&16) and @myorangepocket.
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