Sunday, August 24, 2014

Reflections on Grieving| moving forward

Holding a sleeping baby for much of this week, l have had a lot of time to think. The journey of grieving and letting go is something to be cherished, as it provides an immense opportunity for growth, reflection and genuine transformation if you are open to it. 
I wish Sonia was here. That she hadn't died. Honestly, I never thought l would be here and grieving for the loss of a most cherish spiritual sister and friend. I can't believe that we won't share our mothering journey together and that l have lost sharing the next 40-50 years with her. It all seems unfathomable. There was so much living she still had to do, and she lived life to the fullest. I recognise the need to move fowards with grief, to let go and accept and make sense of it in my daily life.

Journey work should not be about piling up experiences. It's about embracing what was, learning from what's been and moving forward with love and intention.The journey of embracing life and our experiences should be a deeply felt, risky, unpredictable tour of the soul. Accepting all parts of the soul and connecting with the whole of ones self. I remember walking through the ruins of Ephesus reading Thomas Moore* in my twenties and realising that history and time always leave their mark. Losing Sonia mere weeks ago and my father nine years ago to cancer has left an indelible imprint on my life. Loss challenges my faith and how I am grounded at the most primal level. I made a clear decision to embrace soul work more than ten years ago and whilst its left me humbled, a little worn around the edges and admittedly imperfect, I accept who I am. The marks left by the past tell an important story, I've emerged a creative, spiritual woman as a result. I still make mistakes, I'm shy and uncertain due to ongoing insecurities but I know I can move forward, love and live an intentional life.
I wonder how many times we have lost an occasion for soul work by leaping ahead to final solutions without pausing to savor the undertones? To embrace simplicity rather than making too many plans. Allowing ourselves to become to busy to hear the story and learn. We are a radically bottom-line society, eager to act and to end tension, and thus we lose opportunities to know ourselves for our motives and our secrets.* There is nothing wrong with being broken, being still and sitting with the pieces of ourselves and finding peace in accepting our imperfections, strengths and the brilliance of being true to ourselves. Sonia always had a smile, a laugh, lots of love and time to enjoy with others. It's what I want to remember most. 

I sat yesterday in my friends kitchen, surrounded by women, joined in friendship and remembered our dear friend with a glass of merlot. I felt it was a sacred time. We laughed about the late nights out, the years shared, the adventures here and overseas and cherished what we loved most about her. We stood on the wet sand and looked out at the clouds above the rolling waves, flowers floated in the water, the city skyline in the distance and we honoured our friend. Those rituals will continue. This morning I sat with my coffee and acknowledged all in my life, the need to love and focused on the breath. Sonia is a part of me and I move forward with gratitude. I'm incredibly grateful that this time is refining me. I'm opening my heart, honouring the past and I'm immensely grateful for my life.
We have one life, don't have regrets. Don't let the past hold you back. Don't let others continue to harm you by their negativity, walk away. Learn from it, let it go and love. Don't wound others to make you feel better, forgive, embrace others, learn together and most of all love.

You can read more of the Reflections on grieving series here.

Artwork by Anna walker {you can read all about her here}
* Thomas Moore, Care for the Soul
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