"Above all else guard your heart, for everything else flows from it" Proverbs 4:23
It's been a rough week. I truly believed, once I learnt to let go of past hurts and be present, that my joy would return. I was doing great for a while there. I have such gratitude for those in my life and most days l love the life l live, but this week l was again reminded about how soul-destroying accusations and personal attacks can be. Sometimes silence is better than being reactive, it takes time to feel emotions and the importance of putting ones well being and that of my family first is paramount. It seems I'm still learning.
Whilst recognising that l am in charge of how l feel there have been moments this week where peace and a sound sleep has been impossible. I've been grieved by certain people that seem hell bent on destroying any chance of my family's happiness. I was stripped raw by thoughtless accusations and left feeling anger, helplessness and sadness that no matter what was said regarding the recent and the past, their beliefs and actions directed at me would not change. I know that part of letting go and being able to forgive is accepting the positive and negative emotions and not pushing them down. I'm still really angry.
Ignoring pain and anger doesn't achieve anything it just strips our ability to be happy, feel joy and gratitude. My children have witnessed the full gamut of my emotions this week, and I have been trying to teach them that it is ok to express emotions as they are a part of us whether we like feeling them or not. New learning is important, we've entered into conversations over the past few days about how to express our emotions in a healthy way without hurting others. That words can have a lot of power over others and our own hearts and we need to speak with mindfulness. Reflecting on the need to use our words in a loving way and why it's important to be truthful about what we feel.
In the midst of my emotion and vulnerability over what's been happening it became abundantly clear that l have disregarded my worth and values by not saying enough and defending oneself. It's not serving my relationships well or my mental state and with such a realisation comes acceptance finally and positive action. I'm not letting negative thinking or other's judging me hold me back but surrendering to the need for change in another area of my life. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and once again I have had to reach out to my village to support me and what's mine. I have practised surrendering and letting go this week of pain, only to have it return to be felt, acknowledged and let go of again. It's in these times of exhaustion where I've had to seek God to strengthen my resolve to guard my heart. I have clung to Ads for support. He is my greatest defender and supporter in my mothering, our marriage and the care we have taken on of my mother. His wisdom, love and also the support from close friends was a reminder to me, that the behaviour of others does not make me who l am. I can choose to let their negativity transcend my beliefs about myself or change it. I know who l am and I am ok with me. I'm practising gratitude for my tribe and the wider 'village' that embraces us even when it gets tough. It was a timely reminder to live from my heart and be my truest authentic self. I'm walking in that truth, trusting in God, that God's grace reigns and it'll be ok in the end.
The past day or so since making a decision to take a stand, calm has settled over our home. Sadness and hurt remains, given time that will lessen. I am honouring my worth and listening to my spirit and the need to self nurture. I am in charge of how l feel and today l am choosing to love simply and breathe deeply. Happiness will come.
What have you been learning about your emotions?
With love to you all.
Letting go of hurts |the wellbeing series here
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