Monday, February 3, 2014

Letting go of hurts| the wellbeing series

I feel this year will be one of transformation and well being. As l entered into motherhood four years ago, I found renewed purpose, being grounded in loving and nurturing my tribe. Along with the lessons that motherhood brings there began a transformation of my soul and spirit that came in waves. Back and forth, back and forth, the constant movement of give and take. There was a season of self-doubt, sleep deprivation, conflict in wanting to control and let go, moments of depression that made me stop and rest {which still happen now and again}, times of illness and then seasons of real joy, fulfilment and happiness. Healing all takes time, as l open my heart, l can embrace more freedom, love, more light and accept more of God’s grace. 

As Tully was birthed, it brought a season of change in me once again. I was a mother to two beautiful spirits and a wife. But l was severely sleep deprived, frustrated, and left a little bitter by experiences l hadn’t addressed but repressed. Then after a serious fall l was left in physical pain and hindered in my movement { I still am}, it made me stop and take stock once again.  I had to sit in that brokenness and admit to my negative emotions and embrace them. There were times l struggled with mothering Poppy, juggling daily life and embracing the newness of another baby, changing family dynamics and the beginning of a new journey.  Those moments where l experienced depression and negative emotions, I had to learn to acknowledge them, ask for help and become comfortable with my whole being. I chose to stop repressing negative feelings and begin to be honest to my core with what I was feeling, with past hurts, allowing change. By becoming open to change and transformation I was open to learning to love fully, seek forgiveness, forgive others and let go. You know it can be really hard to say I love you, I’m sorry and help me, or to say to someone you hurt me, we need to move forward from this, forgive and be more joyful. With practise I’ve found it becomes easier. Poppy and I have begun calling it our superpower, the ability to accept when we make mistakes, to seek forgiveness and find a healthier way to embrace our imperfections and love more authentically. I have practised this learning daily, not always perfectly but honestly. I still have a ways to go but there is a transparency, honesty, compassion and willingness to love that comes more freely now, more than ever before that allows me to live a more honest, simple life. And I'm still learning.

This year is a year for wellness, and for wholeness. To take this intention and this learning to the next level and bring more transformation into my life and for my tribe. I realised that l had a decision to make to either live with the past as a constant reminder and noise in my life or let it go. And in letting go of hurt and disappointment, that I too needed to acknowledge those negative emotions, feel them and then cut those strongholds through forgiveness. To say no to strongholds, no to bitterness, no to anger, no to fear, no to other’s negativity, no to judgement, no to misery, and no to pain. To bare witness to the beauty of my life and not focus so much on the downside, with each practised breath to let go more and more. For a while there I would say no to misery and bitterness and yet continue to have it cling to me like a well worn garment. I found real truth in reading God’s word and reading yoga texts, reading Osho with a cup of tea warming my hands and listening to the strong women around me {and l have been listening}.

These thoughts resounded so strongly in me| I say: Bring light into your being. Don’t be bothered by all these fragments of darkness. And at the very center of darkness is the ego. You bring forth light and therefore peace by focusing on the breath, through prayer, mediation, and learning to be still. You become more aware, you become more alert to life, addressing obstacles when they arise rather than becoming stagnant or allowing bitterness and hurt to consume you. Otherwise you go on repressing issues and hurts and whatsoever is repressed has to be repressed again and again. Like a continual tide, repression is an exercise in futility, utter futility. That which is repressed always comes up from somewhere else. It will find some other, weaker point in you and show itself. You ask: “Why is it so difficult to forgive, to stop clinging to hurts long since past?” For the simple reason that they are all you think that you have. And you go on playing with your old wounds so that they keep fresh in your memory. You never allow them to heal. Unless you start living in the present, you will not be able to forget. Be more meditative, more aware, more alert, because when you are alert, aware, you are in the present. Be aware, and as you start enjoying the present more and more, then you will stop doing this stupid thing that everybody keeps on doing by holding on to things that bind you and hold you back in your past. As you forgive and let go, you stop going into the past. 

By embracing this teaching and through being honest to my core and breaking those strongholds that took root, l am now in control of my joy. That you to can reclaim your joy, we can move past the negative and reclaim space in our hearts for happiness, love, gratitude and the soul can once again soar. Suddenly you are able to feel more light in your spirit, and feeling a great well being arising in you. From that experience we become whole, emerging into the light and being able to love more freely and transparently. That well being felt is in fact the beginning of transformation and of possibility.

It’s been a revelation to realise that whilst l had dealt with a lot of my past there were areas that were repressed and unresolved. I know we all do this but in accepting my whole being, I realised that l had to let go of the past and walk in the here and now. I’ve listened to the wisdom of my friends who have listened to me in those times where l have struggled with mothering and life and through receiving their love and acceptance they have helped me learn to let go and heal more. It’s OK that l give with all my heart and that l am sensitive, it’s OK that l have made mistakes and can learn to say I’m sorry and move forward. That by embracing my imperfections I can be honest and find space in my heart for so much more. I’m open now, and I’m still learning, I’m OK with that. As Tully gains confidence standing and is mere moments from walking l don't want him following me being bound by my past but in walking in freedom. I want to me the best woman, wife and mother l can be. I now am more aware about making positive decisions that will nurture my tribe and I. I practise this lesson of acceptance and letting go, even when it’s uncomfortable. It might take a little time to work it through but I’m getting better at taking care of me. Even today l had to seek forgiveness for snapping at Adam over something so petty because l was reacting to the heat and frustration. 

I want to encourage you all, to let go of your hurts, your past that hinders you and holds you back. Don’t let darkness, hurt, fear and bitterness become strongholds in your life, let in God’s love and grace. Don’t hold a grudge, don’t blame, don’t fight. Old pain does no one good. Share your feelings, allow honesty to come in and in love, be honest with others, yourself and say what should be said in love. You often find your greatest moments of wisdom and transformation come from opening yourself up, allowing honesty in and being able to be there for yourself and for others who are letting go of hurts. Forgive yourself, everyone and everything. You aren’t meant to be perfect, I’m still learning to embrace my imperfections and most of all learn to forgive, let go and heal. I know that this is very much my journey through my 30's. That learning to live a simple life of being present and having love in my heart…. it will set my soul free to begin to live with joy once again. How have you learnt to let go of hurts? What are your intentions for change for the new year?

With love to you all.
x Mummafox

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