Thursday, October 3, 2013

Reflecting on motherhood and limits


It's been a rainy week around here. Looking out of the tear-spattered window, we have watched the garden growing into a green jungle.  We've been harvesting and cooking up a storm, jumping in puddles with our wellies and it's brightened our moods but it's been a hard week.The high winds took down gumtrees, the snowpea teepees scattered like matchsticks a little like my mood and the woollen socks and blankets came out once more. I'm tired and feel stretched in every direction emotionally right now. I'm at the mercy of my children, I wish they came with an off switch sometimes. Miss Three's fantastic but she needs stuff. She wakes at 7am bright and chirpy, when I've just had a couple of hours sleep and I want to burrow into my bed and snooze. I get up and drag my feet, the coffee helps though and I begin my day. I have to play when not cleaning, feeding, washing or running around like a headless chicken, or scrambling around on all fours making sure her toys are off the floor so Tully doesn't put them in his mouth. It's constant. Teething and irritability, an unsettled baby, tears sliding down his little face and fever and I'm left holding him for hours. The suns shinning outside right now, his red hot with fever and I'm holding him till the panadol brings his fever down. Writing Etsy ads, folding washing, cleaning this house eh..... that's not happening now. The only cool thing about my predicament is I'm watching fast and furious 6, I'll admit it I'm a fan. I'm getting better at letting things go, but I wonder when I'm going to become a fully functioning member of society and able to actually finish something I start. 
I've reached my limit of sleepless nights. I have yet to have a full nights sleep in nine months {no kidding I tell you, not once}. I'm sporting some serious bags under my eyes that makeup can't hide and I'm figuring I'll have to start paying tax for them soon as they seem to be here to stay. I wish I could work out why I birth kids that have reflux and don't sleep. Thank God the reflux has gone now. I've read the sleep guide books, I've even tried following the plans but my kids just don't fit into that box. They have their own thoughts, patterns and feisty, determination. I still put myself to bed like I did as a child but not my tribe.  Do I know what to do about it? No. Right now I'm just being honest about how crap things feel right now. It not about everything it's the lack of ongoing sleep. As the storm clouds have rolled in, I've acknowledged the shift. I've been practising gratitude, noticing the little things, talking with Ads, hugging my kids extra close {although I'm not sure little fox could get any closer at the moment} and allowing the tears to come when I don't have any energy left at the end of the day. It's hard when supports paper thin. I don't feel like a failure when Ads has to cook or take the lead. I'm a mum and some days I'm stuck in the trenches struggling. It's love when no matter how bad things are with no sleep I know I'm lucky to be their mum. Things could be worse and it's for a season. But what I wouldn't give for some sleep. 

How do you do it? 
X Mummafox

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