Friday, August 2, 2013

Around here- reflecting on motherhood

around here.... I've been feeling like a bit of a fraud as a mother. There's been little balance. I think most of us, aspire to be loving, fun, creative and passionate mothers, but it's all fallen apart this week for me.  l have become this shouty, reactive mummy, easily frustrated and at her wits end. That stage in a child's life where they like to test limits, poke, slap and spit just to get a reaction. Smiling at you while venturing into naughtiness, it's driving me to contemplate my sanity. No matter how much planning, thought, encouragement and positive thinking has gone into my time with Miss Three it's ended with her in time out or me yelling. Knowing Little fox at seven months is learning from this behaviour makes me feel even worse. The sense of failure and mother guilt that emerges in those moments is immense. I've been wondering where l have gone wrong and what it's going to take to turn things around. Maybe it's because l have been surrounded by sickness for far too long with one of my tribe sick with something at one time or another that I haven't felt like we have been in rhythm much of late. Juggling has become the norm around here, sick kids, mothering, family, home life and trying to get things completed for Poppyfox- I hit a wall this week. I found myself the other night teary while praying with Miss Three before bed and I have been weary with exhaustion.
The juxtaposition of family life, those moments of hugging and laughing, where everything is wonderful and the next you're putting out emotional mind fields and trying to prevent full meltdown. Motherhood wasn't going to be an easy journey but l guess I thought there would be more balance. I fear that these challenging days will become the norm, that our rhythm will be negotiated around conflict. I want something better for my family.
I've looked in the mirror this week and noticed the bags under my eyes from sheer, utter bloody exhaustion and I'm praying a lot for hope right now. That there will be renewal in the days ahead and that I will find the wisdom to navigate these rough, high seas. Till then I have returned to the breath. Everyday rituals of looking to nature, turning to God, drinking tea to warm my spirit, stretching and moving through yoga, grounding myself in the garden. Acknowledging the blessings when they happen and hoping that at the end of the day my kids know l love them and that it will be ok in the end.

X Mummafox
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