It's been two weeks since Tully came into the world. I can honestly say I love my little family more than ever. I'm getting use to feeding, broken sleep and juggling entertaining a toddler and burping a newborn.
There are mornings when coffee and a hot shower are the only things that gets me through. I've felt immense mother guilt when I've become frustrated by lack of sleep, toddler tantrums and wind that just doesn't seem to go away with burping Tully. When I can't just pick Miss Three up when she's teary and give her cuddles because Tully's in my arms. When she needs food and the toilet and l just don't know where to put Tully while I'm running after her. Or what do l do with both of them when the phone rings, Miss Three starts singing at the top of her lungs, the dinner on the stove needs attention or the washing needs to be hung out. The joys of trying to remember feed times, reminding Miss Three to go to the toilet as we are still in the midst of toilet training, attempting to get dinner on the table before 7pm and the kids to bed by 9pm.
Oh the juggling act.
The internal struggle between the love you feel for your children and the resentment at the loss of your freedom or even the ability to pee without a child needing to be entertained, feed, disciplined or acknowledged. But I also know that as a mother you can't be everything and achieve all that needs to be done so I'm attempting to be kind to myself. Motherhood can be deeply rewarding but also one of the lonelinest jobs out there. 1am to 4am is the worst time at the moment when the family is sleeping, I'm exhausted and dreaming of my pillow and Tully is up feeding and unsettled with wind. It's easier the second time round but going without sleep just isn't fun when you are 35 years old. Gone are my twenties when l bounced out of bed and could function on three hours sleep while going out at night and working two jobs.
I'm staring at Mount Washmore piled on my kitchen table wondering how I'm going to find a moment to fold, iron and put away the assortment of clothes, fabric and bedlinen just off the line. I finally went through my wardrobe and threw out four garbage bags of clothes that l just wasn't wearing and shoes, whilst slightly frightening it was liberating to see space in my wardrobe and on my shelves. I'm looking at my sewing machine fondly thinking about how to begin the creative process again. I've got a couple of weeks before I have to complete a quilt order and get things started back up again. At least the dishes + vaccuming are done and the chocolate brownies have been dusted with a glimmer of icing sugar begging to be eaten. Miss Three is playing and happy, Tully's asleep upstairs, Ads is home from work and finally on holidays and I've just set up a second sandpit in the front yard for the little ones that was kindly given to us. I know l am not alone in feeling overwhelmed by motherhood at times, overtired and yet strangely satisfied with my little family.
I read a really article by blogger Amy Morrison this week that made my battle with mother guilt a little easier. I thought l would add it here as it made my motherhood experience feel a little more managable and hopeful.