Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Words to make you think- Reflections of a 35 year old

Poppyfox has always been a forum for sharing the interweaving and tapestry of my life + although at times it gets deeply personal l in no way want this to become a therapy session. Recently I heard a new song Amazing life live where the second verse just summed up perfectly the internal journey I have been on for some time. I thought l would share the lyrics with you and then share a little about where I'm at.

Amazing Life By Clare Bowditch

You want this amazing life....but you can't decide.
You think you have to be fully formed already, don't ya?
You want this amazing life...but you can't decide....
You don't have to be just one thing,
but you have to start with something.

When you have spent your life serving others within your family, ministry + society, being a counsellor, helper and social worker you take a step back and realise that it is what you have done but isn't who you are entirely. It's one coloured thread to the tapestry. You are more than the sum of those things you just have to redefine your way and choose another road in which to travel that makes more sense to you now.

Turning 30, getting married and taking stock of my work and personal life was a major turning point in my life. A lot of things began to change and I to along with it. It cost friendships, improved my relationship with Ads and as a result made me a better person.
At 32, becoming a mother and stepping away from my career was one of the hardest and best things l ever did. It gave me the space to breathe and look at things afresh but it also left me a little lost and undefined in my role and place in the world. Suddenly my job was not a major part of my life or time, I had little to no income and l was suddenly a 24/7 mother to a little girl that depended on me entirely for her happiness and survival. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling free, in love deeply with a little person and yet feeling helpless at times, sleep deprived, scared and a little unsure of oneself.
Over the course of nearly three years l have learnt to embrace the many shades to motherhood and begun to interweave my dreams, hopes and aspirations between caring for Miss Two and nurturing the new life within, but it hasn't been easy and it's taken time.
I admit I'm critical of myself, suffer mother guilt more than l should, I'm insecure, realise I'm a real nerd + expect myself to know what is next, how I can become exceptional, talented and fulfilled and put pressure on myself to have all the answers. I bounce between confidence, peace and contentment and utter bewilderment and frustration at the cyclical nature of motherhood + family life. But mostly I can say l know happiness and I'm grateful for those times.
At 35, I wonder if we all feel that way and yet don't have the courage to be brave and admit it to ourselves, our loved ones or our closest friends. I figure putting it out there just allows me to weave my story in a new way and carve out a new path for myself. I don't want conventional, I want the freedom to create a new image within my life's tapestry that's honest and a true reflection of who l am + my worth. I feel it deeply and yet l recognise that life moves on, it continues to flow and the current takes me along with it, so l to move on too in the process.

I've been busy planning new blog posts in between caring and enjoying Miss Two and our many adventures over the last few days. Getting sewing organised for tomorrow when l head to my mum's for an afternoon of creativity. I'm hoping to get set up for tomorrow and a full day of sewing on Thursday when mum can watch Miss Two as I sit at the sewing machine. Over the weekend l started creating a pin board of ideas for the launch of the Poppyfox Etsy shop next month it'll be part of the baby shower party to celebrate two new adventures in my life Tully and the Poppyfox shop.
The Etsy shop has been in the making since April along with my bags being at Threads of Nature in Croydon Hills, but with the timing of being pregnant, suffering shocking all day sickness (forget people calling it morning sickness) + learning how to juggle family life, play dates and all that goes with having a busy life it's taken a while. Instead of beating myself up over how much time things take l have had to give in to the mystery and just go with it remembering it's all part of the journey.
There seems to be endless things for me to learn with sewing and creating but overtime l have enjoyed designing my own bag patterns, beginning to create contemporary + vintage inspired quilts, bags and creations for our little people. I've still got Charlie Slings, bunting and pinnies to complete for the shop.
I've got rainbow crazy crayons ready to wrap, Amber Totes finished in reclaimed and new fabrics + plans on creating little people harem + lounge pants, a slip dress and a wrap skirt for the shop too. I'm going to take things slow and see how it all goes. There is no point in burning out before things have even started.
Instead of rushing things which l have made the mistake in the past of doing, l have listened, dreamt, planned and taken my time. As an ex-control freak it's been liberating and scary to give up control and let it all take it's course.
At 30 weeks pregnant l understand that l need to go slowly, care for Miss Two, Ads and myself and stop to enjoy life a little. Soon we will be a family of four and it's going to pick up in pace a lot. I need to get ready for it.
So l have enjoyed spending time with those l love, going back to school (blog school), overhauling the Poppyfox blog, reading and exploring new blogs,being inspired, falling in love with pinterest, getting a lot of reading in with the new Patricia Cornwell novel, Frankie magazine and some crafty morsels from the public library to get me in the creative spirit, being creative + have sat in quiet meditation and sometimes not so quiet reflection and thought about my amazing life because Clare's right I don't have to be just one thing, but you have to start with something and go from there.

I wonder where you are at?

x Mummafox


Glenda Ninnis has left a new comment on your post "Words to make you think- Reflections of a 35 year ...":

Love you Mandi... Every time I read your blog I hear your heart and you have a beautiful heart. I CAN'T WAIT to do life with you once again, when we move closer. You are an inspiration... when you weave everything you are and do together, you are a tapestry of inspiration. :)
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